Metra Issue 995- November 2025 by Metra Magazine

Couples

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O-Scopes

Aries:

Fall is one of your favorite times of year. You’re excited for haunted hayrides, you’re ready to pick a pumpkin, and have your hole stretched in the middle of that cornfield (you know the one your old principal owns). Cooler weather isn’t going to slow you down. Now you’ll just down some hot chocolate and then go on some adventures and down some different kind of hot chocolate (insert Megan Thee Stallion tongue sound). Make sure you take your vitamins. We don’t want you to catch a cold.

Taurus:

Taurus’ love to be outside. That’s why they tend to be sad when the weather starts to get colder, and the day gets a little shorter. Don’t worry your big bull head, sis. That means you get a longer night! And a longer night means you get to sissy that ass all over the place and earn points (check official rules for terms and conditions). Even though the night is longer, make sure it doesn’t interrupt your beauty sleep. We want you to be ready once the weather breaks!

Gemini:

Crisp air and working in the garage. These are a few of your favorite things. That and of course, your safe word is cheese fries and Dyson vacuum cleaner (ahh memories). You love a project. You just tend to start em’ and then you don’t finish them. Make sure you don’t start something you can’t finish. We want to make sure you’re being productive and you’re getting your bed companions’ rocks off all in the same breath.

Cancer:

Fall means bonfires. You love sharing your slut years (3 weeks ago) over a big burning fire with some of your favorite acquaintances that you just met. You’re hoping that some of these stories might get you an admirer. The only thing it’s doing is having a bunch of judge judies reading you to filth in their head (except Carl, he’s interested to hear more about that time you were dressed as a cat and how you got out of that ball of yarn). Have fun and let some other people share their stories too, after all we want to have some relationships with some depth, right?

Leo:

Cooler weather tends to make you a little slower than normal. Make sure you take your daily vitamin, eat some breakfast, and swallow that gunk when Daddy offers it to you (I’m taking about a special family recipe, ya-nasty). Catch up on some of your favorite shows: Teletubbies, Bloomberg TV & Are you my daddy? Fall weather is the perfect Netflix N’ Chill time. Let’s just make sure you have a tv this time around. You know, at least pretend that it’s not just going to be about the chill.

Virgo:

November is typically the time of year when you take all the clocks in your house apart to clean them and reassemble. However, this year, you’re feeling like a big old’ dick pig. You bought yourself a sex swing, but you got stuck in it for about 3 hours where you had to have your sister come and help you out of it (we don’t know how you’re ever going to be able to look her in the eye again). Oh, you also tried those supplements to help you shoot bigger loads. Only to find out you had an allergic reaction and had to be rushed to the hospital (sister comes to the rescue part two). On second thought, let’s just stick to the clocks. It’s a safer bet.

Libra:

You recently sat down to make a list of priorities for the summer. Pay off that credit card. Rotate those tires. Get your memorial tattoo to Biggie Smalls (you’re a little late girl). Fuck your X-Uncle-In-Law (your Auntie gave you her blessing, so it’s fine as wine, child). Lists makes you feel productive. Just make sure you don’t write it on the back of some trick’s back with a sharpie and not take a picture of it. Just kick it old school and write it on a piece of paper.

Scorpio:

Scorpio’s over at the club looking like a Snack-A-Saurous. And they know it too. That’s why sometimes people don’t approach them. That’s fine. Scorpios love making the first move. Holding the door open, extending your hand to shake someone’s hand, slipping a thumb into their wonder wall when you told them it was only going to be your pinky.

Sagittarius:

You truly enjoy seeing your friends succeed. That’s why you’ll gladly hold one of their legs as they’re getting that beer bong or pull back their hair as they let their new friend wreck holy holl on their mouth (they could always just use a ponytail holder, sis). You like to see everyone win and that’s a cute look for you. Just make sure you sometimes don’t forget you’re competing too.

Capricorn:

Sometimes it’s a dry day and you may not be scoring the Zac Effron you were hoping for. It’s okay. Just reboot and reroute and that 6 becomes a 9 when you sit on their face and can’t see them. Plus, that crooked ass nose could stimulate you better then you would’ve imagined with Mr. Perfect Face. Plus, Quasimodo is gonna try their darndest to get a call back so you can get your bell rang again (SANTUARY!!!!)!

Aquarius:

Always the logical one. No don’t drink that drink from a stranger. No don’t barter sex for whatever you want in your life. Sometimes you can be a real fun sucker. Let’s control alt delete yo’ ass and change you to a fun cannon! You’re supposed to have battle scars from your youth. A burn marks. A Hand print. A tattoo in Chinese that you thought said I’ll survive and in reality, it translates to “Dumb White Bitch.” That’s why you want to surround yourself with a balanced network of friends. The smart one. The slutty one. The ugly one (that’s when you look like the Beyonce and that’s obviously Michelle). Enjoy yourself, no one’s gonna die.

Pisces:

November tends to be a hectic month for you. November is all about you enjoying some personal time. Explore your sensuality with some food. Bake a bunch of cupcakes, put them in the bathtub, reach out to MrJigglesWorth3820 on your favorite sex app and get the most fucked up sugar attack of your life. Sit on those cupcakes, slut! Now that the birds stopped flying around your face, eat what you can from the bathtub and wash your face, your nanna would be so disappointed.

I matched with a guy on Grindr the night before Thanksgiving His name?GobbleDaddy69 Red flag? Absolutely. But he was cute, visiting for the holiday, and I was bored at my parents' house.

We hooked up in the basement guest room. I snuck him out before sunrise and figured that was the end of it

Cut to Thanksgiving dinner. The doorbell rings and there he is. GobbleDaddy69, now known as Jason, holding a pie and smiling like we didn’t just hook up twelve hours ago.

Turns out, he’s my cousin Rachel’s new boyfriend

He sits next to me. Flirts across the table. Compliments my mom’s turkey. My family loves him. I, on the other hand, consider hiding in the oven.

In the kitchen later, he corners me and says, “That was wild, huh?”

“You’re dating my cousin.”

“She said we weren’t exclusive.”

“You came to my family dinner.”

“I brought pie.”

The pie was annoyingly good.

Moral of the story? Always ask about mutual family before hooking up and never trust anyone named GobbleDaddy69.