I Decided to Live as Me
THE MILLION-COPY KOREAN BESTSELLER
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others So You Can Learn to Love Yourself
Translated from Korean by Anton Hur
KIM SUHYUN
I DECIDED TO LIVE AS ME
Kim Suhyun is a writer and illustrator based in Seoul. She loves drawing, so in college she studied design. She describes herself as ‘thoughtful but not too serious, lighthearted but not shallow.’ Her books have sold more than two million copies in Korea, and I Decided to Live as Me is being published around the world in more than a dozen languages.
Anton Hur was a finalist for the National Book Award for Translated Literature and the International Booker Prize for his translation of Cursed Bunny by Bora Chung and has also translated I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee and co-translated Beyond the Story by BTS. He is the author of the novel Toward Eternity.
I DECIDED TO LIVE AS ME
I DECIDED TO LIVE AS ME
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others So You Can Learn to Love Yourself
How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others So You Can Learn to Love Yourself
Kim Suhyun
Kim Suhyun
Translated by Anton Hur
Translated by Anton Hur
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Originally published in Korean as 나는 나로 살기로 했다 by Clayhouse Inc., Paju-si, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea
First published by Rider in 2024
This edition published by Rider in 2025
Copyright © Kim Suhyun 2022
Translation © Anton Hur 2024
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Time passes and everything changes but you will always be yourself.
CONTENTS
CONTENTS
Preface • x Introduction • xii 그래픽
Preface • x Introduction • xii
PART ONE
PART ONE
CHECKLIST FOR A LIFE THAT RESPECTS WHO YOU ARE
CHECKLIST FOR A LIFE THAT RESPECTS WHO YOU ARE
❑ Do Not Be Polite to Those Who Are Not Polite to You • 3
❑ Do Not Be Polite to Those Who Are Not Polite to You • 3
❑ Don’t Go Out of Your Way to Be Miserable • 7
❑ Don’t Go Out of Your Way to Be Miserable • 7
❑ Don’t Get Hurt by Those Who Are Just Passing Through Your Life • 11
❑ Don’t Get Hurt by Those Who Are Just Passing Through Your Life • 11
❑ Do Not Make Excuses for Yourself • 25
❑ Do Not Make Excuses for Yourself • 25
❑ Remember That No One’s Life Is Perfect • 29
❑ Remember That No One’s Life Is Perfect • 29
❑ Be Perfectly Content with Being Ordinary • 33
❑ Be Perfectly Content with Being Ordinary • 33
❑ Don’t Allow Anyone to Judge You • 37
❑ Don’t Allow Anyone to Judge You • 37
❑ Get Rid of Numbers in Your Life • 13
❑ Get Rid of Numbers in Your Life • 13
❑ Don’t Be Modest to the Point of Low Self-Esteem • 39
❑ Don’t Be Modest to the Point of Low Self-Esteem • 39
❑ Don’t Be Affected by What Others Say • 17
❑ Don’t Be Affected by What Others Say • 17
❑ Don’t Live a Life of Insults • 21
❑ Don’t Live a Life of Insults • 21
❑ Speak Out for the Right to Respect Yourself • 43
❑ Speak Out for the Right to Respect Yourself • 43
PART TWO CHECKLIST FOR LIVING AS YOURSELF
PART TWO CHECKLIST FOR LIVING AS YOURSELF Let’s try a new path.
Let’s try a new path.
❑ Have a Strong Sense of Your Self-Worth • 51
❑ Have a Strong Sense of Your Self-Worth • 51
❑ Seek Out Your Own Life • 55
❑ Seek Out Your Own Life • 55
❑ Don’t Delay Reflecting on What Makes You Happy • 59
❑ Don’t Delay Reflecting on What Makes You Happy • 59
❑ Do Not Simply Accept the Common View • 73
❑ Do Not Simply Accept the Common View • 73
❑ Nurture Your Taste • 77
❑ Nurture Your Taste • 77
❑ Have Your Own Taste • 79
❑ Have Your Own Taste • 79
❑ Confront the Real You • 81
❑ Confront the Real You • 81
❑ Question What Seems Obvious • 61
❑ Question What Seems Obvious • 61
❑ Do Not Live to Please Others • 65
❑ Do Not Live to Please Others • 65
❑ Discover Where You Can Shine the Brightest • 85
❑ Discover Where You Can Shine the Brightest • 85
PART THREE
PART THREE CHECKLIST FOR NOT BEING DEFEATED BY ANXIETY
CHECKLIST FOR NOT BEING DEFEATED BY ANXIETY
❑ Don’t Be Anyone but Yourself • 69
❑ Don’t Be Anyone but Yourself • 69
❑ No Matter How Good It Sounds, See for Yourself • 89
❑ No Matter How Good It Sounds, See for Yourself • 89
❑ Endure the Uncertainty That Is Life • 95
❑ Endure the Uncertainty That Is Life • 95
❑ Don’t Assume You’re Alone in Your Problems • 99
❑ Don’t Assume You’re Alone in Your Problems • 99
❑ Don’t Follow Some BS Script for Life • 103
❑ Don’t Follow Some BS Script for Life • 103
❑ When Things Are Hard, Say They’re Hard • 115
❑ When Things Are Hard, Say They’re Hard • 115
❑ Take Time to Process Things • 117
❑ Take Time to Process Things • 117
❑ Don’t Do Something Just Because You’re Anxious • 121
❑ Don’t Do Something Just Because You’re Anxious • 121
❑ Find a Real Solution • 105
❑ Find a Real Solution • 105
❑ Try Not to Be Oversensitive • 109
❑ Try Not to Be Oversensitive • 109
❑ Learn to Go On with Your Day Even When There’s a Problem • 123
❑ Learn to Go On with Your Day Even When There’s a Problem • 123
❑ Be Just the Necessary Amount of Sad • 111
❑ Be Just the Necessary Amount of Sad • 111
PART FOUR
PART FOUR
CHECKLIST FOR LIVING WITH ONE ANOTHER
CHECKLIST FOR LIVING WITH ONE ANOTHER PART FIVE
PART FIVE
CHECKLIST FOR A BETTER WORLD
CHECKLIST FOR A BETTER WORLD
❑ Have at Least a Basic Level of Respect for One Another • 129
❑ Have at Least a Basic Level of Respect for One Another • 129
❑ Don’t Try So Hard to Be Understood by Everyone • 131
❑ Don’t Try So Hard to Be Understood by Everyone • 131
❑ Respect One Another’s Boundaries • 133
❑ Respect One Another’s Boundaries • 133
❑ Become a Generous Individualist • 135
❑ Become a Generous Individualist • 135
❑ Stop Making Life About Winning or Losing • 139
❑ Stop Making Life About Winning or Losing • 139
❑ Don’t Be a Nice Person Just to Avoid Being Disliked • 143
❑ Don’t Be a Nice Person Just to Avoid Being Disliked • 143
❑ Do Not Be Ashamed of Things You Have No Reason to Be Ashamed Of • 145
❑ Do Not Be Ashamed of Things You Have No Reason to Be Ashamed Of • 145
❑ You Don’t Need to Get Along with Everyone • 147
❑ You Don’t Need to Get Along with Everyone • 147
❑ Learn to Distinguish Between Something Being Worn and Being Ruined • 151
❑ Learn to Distinguish Between Something Being Worn and Being Ruined • 151
❑ Do Your Best for Your Current Relationships • 153
❑ Do Your Best for Your Current Relationships • 153
❑ Go Full Steam Ahead When There’s a Green Light • 157
❑ Go Full Steam Ahead When There’s a Green Light • 157
❑ Express Your Feelings • 159
❑ Express Your Feelings • 159
❑ Find Someone to Be With • 163
❑ Find Someone to Be With • 163
❑ Don’t Put Yourself Down • 171
❑ Don’t Put Yourself Down • 171
❑ When You Need to, Bear It • 175
❑ When You Need to, Bear It • 175
❑ Real Change Takes Time • 179
❑ Real Change Takes Time • 179
❑ Do Not Participate in the Hunger Games • 193
❑ Do Not Participate in the Hunger Games • 193
❑ Don’t Become a Faint Person • 197
❑ Don’t Become a Faint Person • 197
❑ Sometimes, Shift to Neutral • 181
❑ Sometimes, Shift to Neutral • 181
❑ Ask Yourself What It Means to Be Human • 201
❑ Ask Yourself What It Means to Be Human • 201
❑ Become a Lost Soul • 205
❑ Become a Lost Soul • 205
❑ Create Evidence for Hope • 185
❑ Create Evidence for Hope • 185
❑ Be Generous • 189
❑ Be Generous • 189
PART SIX
CHECKLIST FOR A GOOD AND MEANINGFUL LIFE
PART SIX CHECKLIST FOR A GOOD AND MEANINGFUL LIFE
❑ Don’t Make Happiness Your Life’s Purpose • 211
❑ Don’t Make Happiness Your Life’s Purpose • 211
❑ Live Lightly • 215
❑ Live Lightly • 215
❑ Add Variety to Your Life • 219
❑ Add Variety to Your Life • 219
❑ Try Not to Become a Dried Husk • 221
❑ Try Not to Become a Dried Husk • 221
❑ Say Goodbye to the Past • 229
❑ Leave a Margin of Error • 233
❑ Say Goodbye to the Past • 229 ❑ Leave a Margin of Error • 233
❑ Accept Yourself • 235
❑ Accept Yourself • 235
❑ Take an Interest in Your Own Happiness • 239
❑ Take an Interest in Your Own Happiness • 239 ❑ Love What Is Imperfect • 243
❑ Love What Is Imperfect • 243
❑ The Only Thing Within Your Control Is Your Own Happiness • 225
❑ The Only Thing Within Your Control Is Your Own Happiness • 225
❑ Think About What You Have Gained • 227
❑ Think About What You Have Gained • 227
❑ Ask Yourself How You Want to Live • 245
❑ Live as an Adult • 249
❑ Ask Yourself How You Want to Live • 245 ❑ Live as an Adult • 249
Afterword • 250 Acknowledgments • 252
Afterword • 250 Acknowledgments • 252
PREFACE
PREFACE
IIt’s been five years since the first Korean publication of I Decided to Live as Me. One of the questions I’ve received most is “What made you write this book?” Well, I used to have a kind of checklist for life: go to college, get a good job, get married, buy an apartment, have children, and become an adult of refined taste with a comfortable lifestyle. To live like everybody else, in other words, or like everybody was watching.
t’s been five years since the first Korean publication of I Decided to Live as Me. One of the questions I’ve received most is “What made you write this book?” Well, I used to have a kind of checklist for life: go to college, get a good job, get married, buy an apartment, have children, and become an adult of refined taste with a comfortable lifestyle. To live like everybody else, in other words, or like everybody was watching.
But oddly enough (for reasons I understand all too well now), this never came to fruition. Without being able to check off the first few boxes, I couldn’t move on to the later ones. My failure to complete my life’s checklist made me feel so ashamed of myself.
But oddly enough (for reasons I understand all too well now), this never came to fruition. Without being able to check off the first few boxes, I couldn’t move on to the later ones. My failure to complete my life’s checklist made me feel so ashamed of myself.
What had I done wrong? Should I have listened to the world more, concentrated more, forced myself to work harder? Or should I have been a different kind of person altogether?
What had I done wrong? Should I have listened to the world more, concentrated more, forced myself to work harder? Or should I have been a different kind of person altogether?
But as I kept questioning myself, I suddenly had a thought: What if that’s not it?
But as I kept questioning myself, I suddenly had a thought: What if that’s not it?
The moment I thought, What if it’s not my fault?, I began to notice the problems in our society. The moment I thought, What if my ideal life isn’t
The moment I thought, What if it’s not my fault?, I began to notice the problems in our society. The moment I thought, What if my ideal life isn’t
the only answer?, I began searching for other answers. The moment I thought, What if the majority is wrong?, I gained the courage to live the writer’s life.
the only answer?, I began searching for other answers. The moment I thought, What if the majority is wrong?, I gained the courage to live the writer’s life.
This book started with the idea What if that’s not it? and with all the questions and answers that followed.
This book started with the idea What if that’s not it? and with all the questions and answers that followed.
From that one question I learned many answers and found the strength to let go of the lies surrounding my life and accept myself for who I was. It was such a liberating experience that I wanted to share it with readers.
From that one question I learned many answers and found the strength to let go of the lies surrounding my life and accept myself for who I was. It was such a liberating experience that I wanted to share it with readers.
Still, I hope this book doesn’t make you feel as if I’m trying to force something on you. All I ask is that you question things like I started to do, and take a step away from our societal conventions and try to find your own answers.
Still, I hope this book doesn’t make you feel as if I’m trying to force something on you. All I ask is that you question things like I started to do, and take a step away from our societal conventions and try to find your own answers.
On the days I’d work on the book, I’d walk home in the evening with a feeling of lightness, a feeling so refreshing that I still think about it from time to time.
On the days I’d work on the book, I’d walk home in the evening with a feeling of lightness, a feeling so refreshing that I still think about it from time to time.
I hope this book helps you achieve that feeling. Five years on, I am still cheering for all of you on your life’s journey. Good luck, everyone, and keep on living well.
I hope this book helps you achieve that feeling. Five years on, I am still cheering for all of you on your life’s journey. Good luck, everyone, and keep on living well.
Kim Suhyun
Kim Suhyun
INTRODUCTION
INTRODUCTION
LLooking back, I always wanted to know the “why.” Whenever my teachers at school asked me to do something, I would respond,
“Why?” They thought I was being difficult, but I was asking out of genuine curiosity. I couldn’t help but ask questions and seek answers.
ooking back, I always wanted to know the “why.” Whenever my teachers at school asked me to do something, I would respond, “Why?” They thought I was being difficult, but I was asking out of genuine curiosity. I couldn’t help but ask questions and seek answers.
Then I became an adult, and I began to feel small and pathetic. A shadow of a person, with nothing to call my own and no real accomplishments to my name. How on Earth did I end up like this?
Then I became an adult, and I began to feel small and pathetic. A shadow of a person, with nothing to call my own and no real accomplishments to my name. How on Earth did I end up like this?
I wondered where I had gone wrong. Did I choose the wrong major? Should I have studied harder? Should I have stuck with certain jobs instead of quitting them? No matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t really point to anything I’d done wrong.
I wondered where I had gone wrong. Did I choose the wrong major? Should I have studied harder? Should I have stuck with certain jobs instead of quitting them? No matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t really point to anything I’d done wrong.
I’d made a few mistakes and lacked direction, but wasn’t all that just part of growing up? Just as I had always wanted to know why, as a student, I wanted to figure out why I felt pathetic despite not having done anything wrong.
I’d made a few mistakes and lacked direction, but wasn’t all that just part of growing up? Just as I had always wanted to know why, as a student, I wanted to figure out why I felt pathetic despite not having done anything wrong.
I turned to books, not because reading was a hobby but because I wanted answers. Why did I feel so insignificant? Why wasn’t I enough? Why was I such a nothing?
I turned to books, not because reading was a hobby but because I wanted answers. Why did I feel so insignificant? Why wasn’t I enough? Why was I such a nothing? 그래픽
At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that even if the world doesn’t value me, I have to have self-respect and live confidently as me. This book delves into the reasons why I felt pathetic and my reactions to all the things that made me feel that way.
At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that even if the world doesn’t value me, I have to have self-respect and live confidently as me. This book delves into the reasons why I felt pathetic and my reactions to all the things that made me feel that way.
Throughout my career, the things I’ve written may have helped a reader or two, even if for only a moment. But what I’ve really wanted to do is create a source of healing and support that can stay with them for longer.
Throughout my career, the things I’ve written may have helped a reader or two, even if for only a moment. But what I’ve really wanted to do is create a source of healing and support that can stay with them for longer.
I want to tell those of you who, like me, keep blaming yourselves when you are not at fault: it’s not your fault.
I want to tell those of you who, like me, keep blaming yourselves when you are not at fault: it’s not your fault.
It is all right to live as you.
It is all right to live as you.
xiii
xiii
I DECIDED TO LIVE AS ME I DECIDED TO LIVE AS ME
GOAL
GOAL
For an ordinary person to let go of what they are not, to endure the judgment of others, and to still live exactly as they are.
For an ordinary person to let go of what they are not, to endure the judgment of others, and to still live exactly as they are.
XVIIIXVIII
Medicine, law, business, engineering—these are noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love—these are what we stay alive for.
— D EAD POETS SOCIETY
❑✓
DO NOT BE POLITE TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT POLITE TO YOU
Right out of college I did an internship. That first boss I had, in my first job ever, treated me like . . . a servant? She bullied me, basically. Asking me to move by four inches the monitor that was right in front of her, cursing me out for the smallest mistake. It was my first corporate job, and with an offer of full-time employment on the line, I was torn over whether to stay or go. Every day on that job hammered home the fact that Homo internus was the lowest being on the corporate food chain.
Several years after I finished the internship, I was lying in bed when I was suddenly consumed with rage by that memory.
It was less her behavior that I couldn’t stand and more the fact that I just put up with it. It wasn’t like she was all-powerful, but I didn’t say a word to her in my defense, and that just encouraged her to act worse.
This isn’t the same thing, but it is said that those tortured for their involvement in South Korea’s democracy movement are hurt most not by the physical pain they suffered but by their degrading attempts to assuage their torturers.
This may not be our fault, but the truly fatal blow to our dignity isn’t the mistreatment we endure but how humiliatingly we respond to it.
This may not be our fault, but the truly fatal blow to our dignity isn’t the mistreatment we endure but how humiliatingly we respond to it.
To those who are not kind to you, who do not respect you—don’t bother being polite to them in return. Even in demeaning situations, you can at least hold on to some of your dignity.
To those who are not kind to you, who do not respect you—don’t bother being polite to them in return. Even in demeaning situations, you can at least hold on to some of your dignity.
EVEN IF WE CAN’T CHANGE THE SITUATION, WE NEED TO PUSH BACK A LITTLE TO PROTECT OUR DIGNITY FROM THE WORST KIND OF PEOPLE.
EVEN IF WE CAN’T CHANGE THE SITUATION, WE NEED TO PUSH BACK A LITTLE TO PROTECT OUR DIGNITY FROM THE WORST KIND OF PEOPLE.
What gives bullies strength isn’t their position, but the helpless politeness of the bullied.
What gives bullies strength isn’t their position, but the helpless politeness of the bullied.
Mind your own
Mind your own business.
FFS!
DON’T GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BE MISERABLE
DON’T GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO BE MISERABLE
WWhen I first entered the new world that was Instagram, my feed randomly showed me a woman whose breasts were so large that they practically covered her torso. Her posts oozed luxury. She was pretty, thin, expensively dressed, and always traveling. But what came as a shock wasn’t her lavish lifestyle but her number of followers.
hen I first entered the new world that was Instagram, my feed randomly showed me a woman whose breasts were so large that they practically covered her torso. Her posts oozed luxury. She was pretty, thin, expensively dressed, and always traveling. But what came as a shock wasn’t her lavish lifestyle but her number of followers.
Why were so many people obsessed with her? Looking through her photos made me feel sad about the tasty convenience-store kimbab I had that morning and the cute, spangled bag I “scored” for only 8,900 won.
Why were so many people obsessed with her? Looking through her photos made me feel sad about the tasty convenience-store kimbab I had that morning and the cute, spangled bag I “scored” for only 8,900 won.
Social media makes it too easy to snoop on others and their perfect lives.
Social media makes it too easy to snoop on others and their perfect lives.
But is such voyeurism truly free? In his book Shake It Off! Build Emotional Strength for Daily Happiness, Rafael Santandreu argues that snooping on others’ lives and comparing them to our own is the easiest way to make ourselves miserable.
But is such voyeurism truly free? In his book Shake It Off! Build Emotional Strength for Daily Happiness, Rafael Santandreu argues that snooping on others’ lives and comparing them to our own is the easiest way to make ourselves miserable.
We might look at someone’s social media profile out of curiosity and pay the price for it with misery. There is nothing to be gained from this. Your energy and curiosity are better spent on taking care of yourself.
So be someone’s friend, not a member of their audience.
Compared to the shallow summary of their lives through photos, the reality of our own experiences is surely more precious.